Me, flirting馃槒
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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: the refrigerator wasn鈥檛 built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Worst bar ever.
Me: before we have kids let鈥檚 see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant鈥檚 dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn鈥檛 a child, besides it鈥檚 not like we鈥檙e pregnant ye-
Wife: i鈥檓 pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
me: i really messed up this time. we鈥檙e in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn鈥檛 need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won鈥檛 move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He鈥檚 badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he鈥檚 being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you鈥檙e ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If you鈥檙e serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you鈥檙e cured/murdered.