therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.