Seductively sings in Klingon.
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
live, laugh, laundry.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.