Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day