I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.