Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?