I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
