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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.