Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what