Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Voting for coroner

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Is your wife single?

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.