My five year plan is a meteorite
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet