As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
I just love that new Pope smell.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*