Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone