When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My dad is at it again
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
A recipe for laughter
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.