Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

Me: My son is pathologically literal.

“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”

Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

The median voter

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.