Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.