5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Going to church you guys need anything
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir