The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I never needed anything more in my life
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
sry
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”