Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning

INTERNET IS DOWN

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.