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*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
It’s his time
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.