My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
happy valentine’s day to me
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.