i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Not today.. 😂
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
