Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.