Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

can’t talk my ride’s here

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.