Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another