9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.