birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
You Might Also Like
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
We found love in a hopeless place.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.