Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Anyone really
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them