Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

I laughed at this way too hard.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”