Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea