Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’