Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

next question.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh