Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

me after eating Cheetos

#SuperBowl

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

incredible

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.