Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky