screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord