Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”