If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.