Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok