Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.