america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax