this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.