Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

#merica

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

some things should go without saying

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.