Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

🤭😂

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.