Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
WHO DID THIS?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
