Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

same energy

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician