Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again