Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.