Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

💀💀

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

😭😭

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.