We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
concern
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally