my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
☠️
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.